How Somatic Boundaries Can Change Your Life
Practical Value of Somatic Boundaries
Social media has taken the discussion on boundaries from the therapist’s office to the mainstream. This has been helpful to give us an overall idea of what they are and how to implement them. What is missing from most discussions are the specifics of how to identify boundary violations, especially for those who have disconnected from their bodies as a coping mechanism to deal with unsafe people and situations.
Another aspect that does not get much attention is that to maintain boundaries, you must believe that you are entitled to hold them in the face of challenges and be able to tolerate the discomfort of the sensations that arise in your body with the activation of your autonomic nervous system (ANS). Let’s dig into this with help of somatic therapy perspective.
First of all, what are boundaries from the somatic perspective? They are not just the mental constructs, or rules for living. That understanding is way too simplistic. It separates our mental processes from the whole universe of our subconscious, which is our body. Boundaries are not just about saying no or giving an ultimatum.
Boundaries are about feeling the sensations in your body that inform your yes, no, and everything in between. Boundaries are the expressions of needs — and guess how we learn about our needs? We listen to our bodies.
Boundaried experience… differentiating between my body and my environment, my needs and other’s needs, thoughts, and preferences
Why are boundaries so important?
As a living organism we are constantly responding to our environment. As environmental conditions change, for example, temperature, light, safety, level of threat, availability of food and shelter, we are forced to respond and adjust. Often what we call “symptoms”, are just body boundaries. Digestive issues, rashes, high blood pressure, anxiety and fatigue are all the ways your body is communicating “I have had enough”. When the body is at its capacity to cope with challenges, it expresses its need through a symptom.
Exhaustion is prevalent in western countries despite high living standards. The accompanying fatigue, lethargy, mental fog, and depression are the ways the body is trying to enforce a somatic boundary, behind which is the need for rest. Yet, the societally conditioned response is to push through. If you habitually ignore your own body boundaries, how likely is it that you will expect someone else to respect the boundaries that you set?
What do you stand to lose without boundaries?
Your body’s vitality, your joy and pleasure. The easy way to see this process is to understand that whenever something is too much, it becomes overwhelming. Overwhelm of the nervous system will create plenty of worry and anxiety, but eventually numb out the body and completely dissociate you from it. Without a sensory relationship with your boundaries, you lose the sense of yourself and where you are in the world in relation to others people and the environment.
To reconnect to our bodies and its boundaries can be as simple as noticing that hands or feet are cold and adding a layer of clothing or moving to warm up. It may look like moving away from someone who talks loudly or stands too close to you while gesticulating wildly.
When we practice paying attention to our bodily sensations by checking in throughout the day, taking a trauma-informed yoga or tai chi class, performing a body scan or progressive muscle relaxation exercise, we increase our capacity to notice and express our boundaries, and to meet our needs as they arise. We expand our capacity to be with the present moment.
Connecting with others through practice of somatic boundaries
Relationally speaking, when we are disconnected from our somatic boundaries, we also lose our genuine connection to others. If we don't know what we need in our relationship with ourselves, how can we know what we need in our relationships with others? As a result, we may focus on the needs of others to the detriment of our own needs.
Have you experienced that in your relationships? The connection feels like it goes one way, and after a while you feel more resentment and burnout than nourishment and pleasure. This strain on the relationship can be mitigated by listening to your body, identifying your needs and boundaries, and communicating them to others in relationship with you.
While you cannot control how others react to you setting boundaries, you are taking control of what you will and will not tolerate. With that sense of control comes the feeling of safety in your own body and in the universe at large. Sensing, identifying, and expressing your boundaries allows you to connect more deeply, because you and your needs are seen and considered.
The relationship between burnout and boundaries
Our bodies are highly sensitive to boundary violations. When we are disconnected from our body, the only way it can communicate its overwhelm is with somatic symptoms. In western societies, allopathic medicine does not connect the symptoms of anxiety, depression, of psychosomatic symptoms, and chronic diseases like autoimmune and cardiovascular conditions, to the disconnect from the body and lack of boundaries. Instead, we get medicated with pharmaceuticals. It is more convenient, less messy, does not require us to face uncomfortable truth, and serves the goals of capitalism.
But does it serve you?
Disconnect and fawning keeps you stuck in relationships you don’t enjoy. Coffee and energy drinks give you the energy to push through situations that exhaust. Dissociation keeps you from attending to your body’s needs, like hunger and thirst. The increased allostatic load from living in a state of stress wears out the body. Endless boundary breaks make you feel unsafe and can traumatise your body.
A body that is stuck in trauma perceives nearly everything as a boundary violation - smells, loud noises, news reader’s voice, requests for our time, crowded places, all of these can register as a broken boundary. This leads to overwhelm because the body has so little capacity to withstand any new charge. So herein lies the dilemma.
How do you sense, identify, set and maintain boundaries when your window of tolerance is so small?
It is through engaging in the practices of somatic awareness, neuro-sensory tracking exercises, mindfulness, and trauma-focused yoga over a period of weeks, months and, even years. Normally, this is done in a one-on-one or in a group setting where the therapist holds a safe container, tracks physiological changes and steps in to help you regulate the responses of your nervous system.
However, the reality is that not everyone has access to somatic therapy. Because of this I have created a guided somatic boundary exploration resource to help you start engaging in the practice of somatic exercises that lead to the awareness and embodiment of your boundaries, in your own space and time. If you would like to be notified when this resource is published, subscribe to the mailing list here.
A note about self-care and self-responsibility. If you choose to begin practicing on your own, you are required to take responsibility for your own wellbeing, have a plan to self-rescue in place, and reach out to a professional if you are unable to stay within your window of tolerance.
The goal of my professional practice is to help you reclaim your relationship with your body. To rebuild your capacity to sense and express your needs. Years of pretending your needs do not exist results in the body not showing them to you directly. They get buried under the frozen wasteland of numbness. The only signs can be the psychological distress and the physical symptoms.
Where does reading this blog land in your body? You are invited to book an online or in person session with me or join our upcoming somatic therapy and trauma-focused yoga group here on AltSpace Therapies site.